Why is Crunch and Munch sometimes call fiddle faddle? Secondly, a product whose sole niche is grandmothers...how does it continue to exist? Who is buying the cookies that are by the cash register at Walgreens? Same niche. Who is buying the premade deli sandwiches at...well, pretty much anywhere? Alright different niche. Truckers. If only I had Venn diagram technology, I could whip some of those up right now. But realistically I will use words. I think I might need to make a foray into the shitty overloaded with preservative desert food market. For the following reasons:
1. All women greater than 70 love me, except for my own grandmother, who thinks I am an awful human. They find me charming and handsome. I probably look like a move star from the first "talkies" (non silent films) or some nonsense like that. But I don't talk like a Cary Grant fruit cake. Plaster my photo on the packaging, and I do a few meet and greets at nursing homes and other places with old people like antique stores or where the old Woolworths used to be (you know, since they get confused and want to go to a drug store chain that has been out of business for 15 years)
2. My product will be a better use for discretionary and non discretionary income than any other product existing. Ever. It will be a mix of everything that old people love and young people hate to have to eat. I'm thinking some sort of trail mix with off brand cheetos, bits of vintage aged fruit cake (which I will call Cary Grant) and those weird yellow raisins that are never sold alone.
3. Location location packaging. Got ya! You thought I was going to say location a third time. But realistically, what the fuck would location have to do with what I am talking about? No packaging for the oldies...not too many bright colors, my photo (looking all dapper, in black and white) and something about Olde Tyme. And classic. And maybe something about just like when you were a little girl and FDR was president? Yes. Perfect.
And now for my foray into the sandwiches for truckers:
1) I am good at making sandwiches. All I have to do is find someone who is good at saran wrap. I hate saran wrap. It's fuckin dumb as shit. Maybe my sandwiches can be wrapped in foil. Last I checked, truckers aren't too into aesthetics. What with their mullets and ugly wives.
Facebook people. Stop doing status updates that are STATUS updates. I don't need to know you bought something new and expensive. I don't give a shit. That'd be like me scanning my bank statement and highlighting all the baller ass purchases I made that past month. Oh, boom $86 worth of groceries. BALLER. Subway $12.39. Looks like someone got 2 $5 footlongs. BALLER.
And yes, I've been drinking. But you can bet I'll drink more. And write more. BALLER>
