Thursday, August 20, 2009

Some things I learned today

All of the following are bad ideas:

-Carrying a gun in your sweat pants.
-Carrying a gun in a state where it is illegal to carry a gun
- AGAIN, CARRYING A GODDAMN GUN IN YOUR SWEATPANTS. SERIOUSLY.
- Being an NFL player doing anything more than working out and watching game film. If you want to let loose, have some beers at your mansion, with your entourage. But do that rarely. You think Wes Welker is out in Boston a lot with a gun in his sweat pants?
-IF YOU ARE GOING TO CARRY A GUN IN YOUR PANTS, GET SOME PANTS MORE APTLY SUITED FOR GUN TOTING
- If you are a famous NFL player and you have decided to carry a gun in your pants, don't shoot yourself in the leg. Then you will end up going to jail for a couple years, losing millions of dollars, and in the case of Plaxico Burress, getting your scary skeletal frame used in the yard as the bench press bar. Have fun, asshole.

Why is it that when you get an x-ray and they find no break it is deemed negative? Does that not just demonstrate how money hungry the nedical community is? To whom is the x-rya negative to aside from the doctor? I am pretty sure everytime I have had an x-ray and I find I do not have a broken bone I consider this a very positive turn of events.

The drunk driving commercial where the man has a car full of martini and when he is pulled overand rolls down his window for the sure to be arresting officer and olives and martini spill out...that's the only way I ever want a martini. I want to go to a bar and order a martini which fills up all the space in the car. It would be the only way I would ever want this drink. and the only way I would ever want to receive a DUI. and maybe..maybe the only way I ever want to die.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Fuck you, Len Kasper

All I really wanted to do today was to finish watching the Cubs wrap up their series awesomeness against the Pirates. Weather then interfered, which, I understand to not be Cubs TV play by play man Len Kasper's fault. Although he does look like he might be into wizardry, and therefore some sort of weather changing effects.

Regardless we start to get all the typical rain delay features- an interview with some squirelly man who DID NOT want to be on television, a rebroadcast of the Fergie Jenkins/Greg Maddux and then finally the inevitable neverending broadcasts of the Drew Carey Show and According to Jim, at which times we would then get to hear from time to time Len Kasper chirp in and say something not witty or amusing about the rain continuing to fall along with some crappy reference to a CCR song, since evidently Len and Bob know all about everything musical. Then, all of a sudden the little Cubs Rain Delay logo in the upper right hand corner disappears and I am left watching Drew Carey with no possibility of watching the Cubs. I know, I know, it almost has to be my fault since I was busy getting morally crushed by watching Tiger Woods lose to some guy I have never heard of, but even so I expected Len Kasper to be like that guy who still has to sit around at something for a couple hours and tell you that it has been cancelled. Yes, that is correct WGN, when a game is cancelled in the future I would like one hour of airtime devoted to Len Kasper saying "The game is cancelled. I am sorry. Very very sorry. I am also the wizard at fault for this weather. Again, my apologies."

My general tone might even make it seem as if I dislike Len Kasper. This would not be true. I am a big fan of he and Bob Brenly's straight shooting, Cubs what the fuck did you do that for, broadcast approach. There is only one other thing I am looking for in addition to being better informed of a game cancellation- more commentary on when the cameras show hot ladies. Typically you guys greet this with silence so if I am doing something, I might not even glance up and get to see the pretty lady. This is a travesty. And when you do make commentary, I want innuendo and double entendre. Is that too much to ask? It's totally what I would do. Think of being the anti Joe Buck (who I hate ever since he was horrified at a Randy Moss fake mooning TD celebration dance...yes fake mooning "OH MY GOD, RANDY MOSS HAS FAKE PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS TO FAKE REVEAL HIS BUTT AND FAKE MOON THE CROWD! A TOTALLY OFFENSIVE PANTOMIME! WE SHOULD ALL BE SO OFFENDED BY THIS FAKE ACTION!")

That is all for now. Thank you. Thank you very much.