I didn't force butter and sugar down his throat for 50 years

15 MINUTE RUNNING DIARY OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS

8:15pm- Hugh Jackman? What happened to having someone funny host the show? Sure, he is Australian and rugged looking, but what does that do for the laugh factor?

8:16pm- Sarah Jessica Parker! The world's most successful horse- screw you Secretariat! And Daniel Craig- the pansiest James Bond ever! What a presenting duo, I see now why they wanted to keep the presenters secret.

8:18pm- "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" just won the award for Art Direction. Alana quipped, "I didn't think it was that great." I didn't even waste my time seeing it. I prefer this movie in reverse, and starring Robin Williams. It's called Jack. It's way sweet. Bill Cosby is in it too. The guys who won this award suck at speeches. Probably because they have never won anything in their lives.

8:21pm- Wow! The only movie where I would say there technically were costumes won for best costumes...The Duchess. All the other movies it looked to me like people were just wearing normal clothes. I personally do not call it costuming when I get dressed in the morning. It's just getting dressed, you talent mongers.

8:23- Makeup. Another stupid award. I will instead discuss Wrigley the beagle. We bought her some sort of tendon thing today. It's about two feet long and looks like a slim jim gone awry. She has not disturbed us since. Benny Button just won this makeup award. I think they should take it from them and give it to the makeup people for Jack since they pirated the awesomeness of that film. Really.

8:25- Ooooo, people from Twilight, I bet women from 13-53 are swooning now. Vampires do it better in West Virginia (I saw this bumper sticker the other day). (PS, no I didn't) Now a montage of clips showing romanitcal scenes. Like 15 of the 40 clips are from High School Musical. What a good year for film.

8:29pm- Commercials must not be very expensive for the Oscars. Because they suck.

What, may I ask, is really the point?

People of the world, you look silly when you cry. You look way cooler when laughing, smiling, after being whalloped in the testicles/ovaries, when angry, and even when trying to look cool (but then you also look pretty silly. you (and this is the plural you, the you that is the world) jut out your lower teeth too far when trying to look cool). But when people cry, it's just this facial contortion that does not seem right, your eyes get all tiny and squinty and leak fluid, your mouth gets weird, your hands get magnetized to your head as if they know, "Hey cover up, we look fucking weird!". Have Lifetime channel on enough in your home and you will be able to analyze this crying. I, of course, have little or no self knowledge of this "crying". The only things that make me really want to shed a tear are moving sports moments. Make-A-Wish week on Sportscenter, chances are there is a single Native American tear leaving my eye when I see a kid with legs get carried around the bases by Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins. Let me recount a tale of the Boston Celtics receiving their championship rings this year. Seeing Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce finally getting their rings along with, in a lesser way, Ray Allen, somehow made me have more Native American Single Tears (Native American Single Tears, The Official Tears of Men, and Well, Native Americans Everywhere).

I recently bought some new kind of Crest Mouthwash. I liked it at first until I realized something. The cap is not childproof. I want no part of mouthwash that is safe to have around children. What nonsense. Safe and supposed to kill germs? Come on now.

So, tacosmadebyapirate.com is up in some form or another. But as I am not really even sure who reads or looks for anything in this space anymore, I am not sure who will help me have the most ballin ass website ever. Please let me know if you wish to help. It would also help if anyone were looking at this drivel anymore. I like to know I am entertaining others, not just myself (although entertaining myself comes first...always, which is why, worry not, I still have a million hilarious thoughts a day...I just keep them to myself instead of dedicating time to the sheer brilliance that is me with whomever may be out there. I hope that when I mentioned tradway.blogspot.com I did not lose readers to people wishing to save money, although with the global economy as it is, not a bad idea).

Until soon. I promise.