Dear Dad,
Just because you grew up throwing right handed, does not mean that I had to be forced down the same path. By giving me that glove to wear on my left hand, and surrounding me with millions of others of threw with their right hand, I have been robbed of millions of dollars- millions of dollars, I might add, for being mediocre with my other hand. Had I, a 6' 4", 210 pound man, been allowed to throw, even crappily and in the mid 80's with my left hand, I would spend my time blogging only between craptastic relief appearances for various Major League and Japanese baseball teams. Even if I had one good season of effectiveness, the Yankees would throw a huge contract my way and I could struggle my way through the next few seasons, before retiring and wisely investing my millions before a long and illustrious career as a slightly off color color guy for the Cubs TV broadcasts.
In case you might say, "Tim, just try to throw left handed now, you are not that old." I say this to you, "Yes I am too old. My left hand, although used for many functions in my life and my left handedness, when forced into throwing action, is just as womanly and slightly queer as when most people throw with their off throwing hand. I look like a little girl. My body is confused why I am not just using the other hand which can throw decently."
I will give you this, at least my right handed throwing has always been a little better than anyone elses, but the dream of being the next Jesse Orosco, Kent Mercker, or depending on my love of food and drink, Ray King, have all been dashed.
Love,
Tim, ambidextrous son yet right handed only thrower
Long time NCAA basketball analyst and man I hate (thrice winning the People I Hate Most This Year: TV Edition Man of the Year Award) Billy Packer announced his retirement. Thank you Jesus. Anyways, I am glad he is gone but still heard a snippet of an interview he did the following day after this was all announced. In this snippet, Packer announced that he did have to admit that he twice had a bias when broadcasting a game. Anyone who ever listened to a Packer commentated game, particularly a U of L game, he always seemed to have a bias. So he revealed the two games, and neither was a U of L game! I have no clue how many times U of L would be crushing an opponent and Packer would make a degrading comment about their play or about the superior play of the team opposing them. Something like, "The Cardinals really need to quit forcing so much pressure and in doing so allow so many easy fastbreak baskets." Then a stat would pop up moments later "STATS FORCED BY PRESS TODAY: LOUISVILLE 18 POINTS OFF: 32 FAST BREAK POINTS ALLOWED: 4". So, no bias, Packer? I even remember when I was young my Mom encouraging us to count the inbounds time by saying "One billypacker is an idiot, two billypacker is an idiot, etc...". Billy Packer, you will not be missed. But, you might finally get that lifetime achievement award in the People I Hate Awards this year.
Sometimes, standup comics ask those questions to engage the audience, you know, questions about acitivites, things like, "So how many of you have ever rollerbladed?" or "How many divorced people do we have here tonight?" You know, pretty standard questions that everyone in the audience might not have done, but at least some people have done. Well the other day I was listening to this standup and he seemed to be really off with this whole process. He first asked, "How many of you have been to the grocery store?" Well yes, a few people in the crowd had been to the grocery store, however unbelievable that may be. Then a few minutes later he asked some questioon about the number of people who had done something like looked at their pets through amorous eyes. Maybe it was all part of his patter, but it was most odd. Maybe it was the guys first show or it was some special like "Standups from Prison". I really don't know sometimes. I don't. At all.
KONICHIWA.
