Thursday, December 27, 2007

LIKE it? I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it back behind the middle school and get it pregnant!

2007...wow....what a year it has been. Kim Jong Il shot an 18 on a golf course, the Yankees failed to win the World Series yet again, I ate many more radioactive elements than anyone ever should, bread jumped back on the scene, the children's literary character Madeline was no longer an orphan, I moved to Los Angeles, tens of people tried new foods, Barack Obama's name was named with countless words (osama, llama, panama ((pronounced incorrectly))) some dogs fought against Michael Vick or something, Joey Chestnut became the Real American Hero by eating a bunch of wieners quickly (a venue in which so many hookers have failed), a spider plant offshoot begat another spider plant, someone somewhere got drunk and tried to play a game of MLB '07 (I probably know them), at minimum seventeen people got drunk, 14 illegal bottlerockets were purchased, spiderman 3 proved spiderman with tobey maguire in it has gone as far as it can go with some demented waif who was a jockey in Seabiscuit, biscuits reemerged on the scene as a food I do not really enjoy and will throw at people if served them, political races heated up (yet all candidates refused my offer for an open Q & A with me and some delicious microwavable foods with me, most of them citing the threat of arsenic in my foods), tears accidentally welled up in my eyes a couple of times (both times due to hot sauce and vicious eye pokings), Michael Keaton appeared in ALL of my favorite movies of the year, the nickname "Boss" was bestowed upon at minimum 15 people by me, 3 of them definitely wanted to fight me, Major League 2 was a decent movie, my dog smelled a majority of the time, the Cubs won the Central division, and made me get really wasted in the playoffs, the bubonic plague once again failed to be a really big epidemic this year, reaer deltoids were never really formally worked out by anyone besides HGH users (Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada, Brian Munoz, etc.), Superbad provided some funny material for people to say as did Knocked Up, as did accidentally Ratatouille and Die Hard 4 (which I have still yet to see, but you know, sometimes you just hear), Lily Munster Rod Beck Barbaro Anna Nicole Smith Ernest and Gallo (yes both of them) and even Kurt Vonnegut died in this 2007th year since year Zero.

Yet looking back on all of it, nothing could really be all that different then it ended up turning out. Time for an extremely deep sentence. Things that happened would have probably happened even if other things had not have happened and even if the other things not happened stuff probably still would have happened with all the happenings that were just going to have happened based on what else had happened and if things did not happen they may have not been supposed to have happened or did not happen since other things had not happened and did not seem like they were going to happen, and even had they happened, if they were not supposed to happen then even if they had happened it would just as if they did not happen.

2008 will indeed be a different year, full of new smells, shapes (like the octangle!), vegetables, and other such whatnot. So just remember to go at it with all the vim and vigor that you might normally reserve for an all night dance party after you had consumed fifteen pounds of sugar and some weasel dust.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Batman was just a rich guy in a batsuit, not a superhero

Seriously though Batman, quit even entering the whole superhero conversation. You are not a superhero. Superheroes have superpowers. You are a badass rich dude who is skilled in the martial arts, dishing out creepy one liners, and using all sorts of gadgetry to fight really weird bad guys. Seriouslly, imaging Superman vs the Joker. No contest. Superman vs. the Penguin..that's not even an episode or a lesser bad guy in a movie. So, stop Batman, I think I just needed to get that off my chest. It's been bugging me for a while.

As many more major metropolitan areas ban all public smoking, Chicago is joining in that fray very soon. There was a series of commercials that aired several months ago and also some currently that mainly posed the key question, "What is to be done with all the ashtrays?" (Rather than the really important questions they should have been asking.."How much frostbite do you think will occur from smokers going outside?" or "Are restaurants that sell seafood for really cheap even safe?" or even "What are you doing on New Year's Eve 2010?")

Logically, I have some ideas, however they are really based in no logic, it's really just logical that I would even have some ideas in the first place.

1) Build a town called Ashtrayville. It would be best if the ashtrays were all cleaned pretty well first, but given the wide variety of shapes and colors ashtrays come in, this could totally work. It would be a beautiful city. Kids would go on field trips there and be mystified as to what the hell all the oddly shaped plastic thingies were...and there would also be nicer structures featuring the nicer ashtrays as well. It would be brilliant.

2) Ashtrays used as tiny serving dishes at receptions and whatnot (chicken nugget fests, tiny food parties, hot sauce eating contests). Once again, you need to clean them, this time even more thoroughly as people like Brian will love eating out of them so much he will begin using them for all meals, and most drinks. A tiny ashtray full of pretzels at a bar could just be what the doctor ordered sometimes. And maybe renaming them would be good. Like tiny slotted plastic bowls.

3) Things to throw at people bugging me. Seriously, give me all the ashtrays. I would literally carry them around just as I do a blue pen and use it to whip, frisbee style, at people who are bugging me at that current juncture, be it from something they have said, how they look, or just generally what they represent.

The other day I was watching an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry is angered by women who kiss him hello. He even uttered the classic line after Kramer had hung pictures of everyone in Jerry's apartment building and he was receiving an abundance of kisses hello, "I feel like Richard Dawson down there." (Richard Dawson is, of course, the old, old Family Feud host who would pretty much makeout with every woman on the show). And I must say, I feel very similar to Jerry about the kiss hello. My feelings are slightly less opposed if I know the kiss is coming, but even then I turn my head in such a way that the person attmepting the kiss actually just makes a kissing noise and touches cheeks with me. So, that is a slight escape. But I would really like to eliminate this all together. What is even worse is when I am not aware the kiss is coming, especially given my larger stature than most all women who are trying to give me the kiss on the cheek hello..then I am trying to hug (which I just learned a few years ago) and squatting over so I can awkwardly receive a kiss on the cheek.. So, next time, whether I know it is coming or not, I am either going to nuzzle my nose into the neck of the offending party, go for a kiss directly on the lips (age appropriatness here...like I will not do that to my grandmother, she gets a free pass), or maybe lick the side of a face. I am willing to bet either the wrong notion would be gathered or that would be the last kiss on the cheek I received from that person.

THAT IS ALL. KONICHIWA BITCHES.