Things That Are Silly To Me Lately:
1) Whimsical Childrens Cereals
2) TV News Programs
3) Meth
4) Parking Tickets
5) People who think cartography is still a good profession to get into
6) Names from the 1930's being used now
Even with the recent focus on healthier foods for children so we don't end up with a generation of the functionally obese, (they can move around, but they can also eat all your bacon. and not even be kind enough to thank you...it's just the way of the youngest generation, they aren't that well-mannered either. or they will come to your fourth of July BBQ and eat as a casual snack all the cheese you intended to use on the burgers, then go home with your sister...it's sort of a tit for tat sort of thing) I still notice a large number of children's cereals that are new and definitely cater to children...and don't scream health. But they crack me up. I swear it is a matter of time before Krispy Kreme makes a cereal that is merely cut up pieces of their doughnuts. For god's sake, there is actually a chocolate Chex...wow. And everytime I walk down the cereal aisle, I hear a kid whining to their parent/guardian/kidnapper who is kind enough to ask them what kind of cereal they want, "Can't we get some Cinammon Roll-O's/ Tiny French Toast with Extra High Fructose Corn Syrup Graham-o-Wham's/ Fudgem's?" You probably shouldn't, kid.
I always love when people refer to something they have heard from the news on television. I really have not seen much on their that offers anything too redeeming or has any value to bring up in conversation. I have recently begun watching a morning TV show on CNN a couple days a week with some sort of purdy lady named Robin who is the host...now while it is obvious Robin tries hard to convey excitement about her job, here is a rundown of the top stories from one day, which makes me really wonder if she considers herself a news journalist of a high degree: "Homeless Man Earns Money" (he had turned in a person who was wanted...not just cashed in his latest bag of cans), "Something or Other About that Kanye West's Mom's Doctor", "Strange Weather Patterns Somewhere", and "Funny Video of Baby Doing Something, Possibly Involving a Squirrel". So, whenever I hear someone talking about something they saw on the news, my ears perk up because I am ready to talk about something of obviously extreme importance.
Meth popularity seems to be at an all time high...and I am not talking about the actual drug, but rather about the popularity of it getting mentioned on TV shows, commercials and other ads against doing it, and just all sorts of meth stuff. Just a couple things about meth: on the couple of TV shows I have seen it on, the users of the drug had been at a party and were introduced to it. I have partied, and I know lots of crazy people and I have done some pretty wild stuff, but NEVER have I been anywhere when some people had been doing meth at a party, nor have I ever been in such a state where I would think, "Hey self, that sounds like a good idea...yeah..definitely try some meth." My friend Joe who just became a Chicago cop told me about some of things that are in meth, which include gasoline, WD 40, steel wool, Clorox and other such fun things...what a wild time. Silly meth. You so crazy.
I understand the whole idea of parking tickets, but at the same time I don't really understand why they have to be given out so readily. You mean I have to pay that much money because for some short period of time I stationed my vehicle in this particular spot? Even if I did park in a handicapped spot while not being handicapped, does that not demonstrate some sort of mental handicap? I just sort of wish that people who gave out parking tickets were more laid back in their approach and just went after the real assholes...so yeah, people who aren't me. People without plate IL 920 7374. Others. All others if you wish.
Maps are nearly dead. I can look at my parents house, my house, and even into your swimming pool (I use the familiar you here) all on Google Earth. And how many people carry around a map to get somewhere? They are mainly just a large fire hazard or something to use when you have accidentally thrown your picnic blanket in the wash and are having some sort of impromptu picnic/ paper airplane throwing contest with local youths (don't ask how this works with the blanket...you would need a far better understanding of physics before I could even begin to explain that to you). Just tell people you are really into cartography, it still sounds cool and lower IQ'ed women will be impressed. I once told people I was an ornithologist. It was TONS of fun.
Clarence. Edith. Beatrice. Edna.
That is all.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
I’m Not Doing Anything Tonite…Because I Don’t Work at a Bowling Alley
As anyone who knows me can attest, there are some things that bother me and no, I can really not offer any sane sounding explanation as to why these things bug me because god knows I do enough annoying shit myself (red clouding, snoring, correcting others when they are wrong, being stubborn, smelling great and looking better than you, etc.). But one of the things that has begun to bother me more than anything is the spelling of the word tonight as tonite. If you are a person capable of counting, you can easily note that the second spelling has only one less letter than the correct spelling. Additionally, I believe unless you are the owner or employee (or former employee, so Brian and Paul are good on this one) of a bowling alley, there does not seem to be any reason for people to be using this word. It just makes me feel so cheap and dirty, as if people are wondering if I am going to clean up the Cheeto debris in my trailer and get out my finest mugs to pour malt beverages in that night with them. Some casual excuses I have heard are from those who like to text message, saying that it is somehow easier to spell, but it can’t be any less than a few pushes of a button. Because unless my stubborn side really needs to be full exposure and people want me to seemingly make up my own entire language of uglyfied words (and I don’t mean the typical made up words I use in an attempt to sound smarter) tonite needs to stop…tonight. HAHA. Witty. But I guess if bowling were somehow involved in YOUR plans for the evening, you can just ask me what I am doing that night. And if spelling is really just not your forte, then syugvbcui su. I think you will have known what that meant.
The other day I was reading an article about questions that are increasing in popularity during the job interview process. Two of them that really befuddle me are as follows:
1)What is your biggest accomplishment?
2) Who are your heroes?
The thing about the accomplishment question is, I am not really sure anything IS my biggest accomplishment thus far. I mean, I am sure graduating from college would be the easiest answer, but college was just sort of what I was supposed to do after high school, no questions asked. And if the interviewer came back with a question about if I was the first in my family to graduate or something, I would have to tell them no, and yet still somehow make it seem like it was so big awesome accomplishment that I was really proud of. On the other hand, who would want to hear about me being so proud of completing a nine and nine (a beer and a hot dog every inning of a baseball game)? I mean, it is a proud distinction of mine, but I am not sure how the rest of the world would perceive this. What else have I really done? I’ve come up with some funny nicknames and said some funny things on occasion as well as one year coming in first in both a fantasy football AND basketball league, but again, I am sure this is not the caliber of answer for which people would be looking. Obviously I need to save puppies/babies/senior citizens from a fire…all while having a broken leg. I guess I could refer to this very blog as some sort of great accomplishment but I used some curse words once and stuff…so no.
Once again, I am obviously lacking in solid answers for the heroes question. I am not sure anyone looking to hire me based on a answer of “ninjas and James Polk”. I mean, ninjas are frickin awesome and James Polk is only a hero because I feel he was way underrated as a President, but it’s not like I really look up to these people. Wouldn’t they want to hear some answer more like “My grandfather, who saved a bunch of puppies/babies/ and senior citizens from a fire and also invented the lightbulb and telephone…and the computer.” So, if you want to be my hero (Enrique Iglesias?...was your song for me) just start doing some sort of heroic stuff that I would find awesome then I can mention this hero…then again I have never really considered any sort of epic hero or anything like that. Oh well.
The other day I was reading an article about questions that are increasing in popularity during the job interview process. Two of them that really befuddle me are as follows:
1)What is your biggest accomplishment?
2) Who are your heroes?
The thing about the accomplishment question is, I am not really sure anything IS my biggest accomplishment thus far. I mean, I am sure graduating from college would be the easiest answer, but college was just sort of what I was supposed to do after high school, no questions asked. And if the interviewer came back with a question about if I was the first in my family to graduate or something, I would have to tell them no, and yet still somehow make it seem like it was so big awesome accomplishment that I was really proud of. On the other hand, who would want to hear about me being so proud of completing a nine and nine (a beer and a hot dog every inning of a baseball game)? I mean, it is a proud distinction of mine, but I am not sure how the rest of the world would perceive this. What else have I really done? I’ve come up with some funny nicknames and said some funny things on occasion as well as one year coming in first in both a fantasy football AND basketball league, but again, I am sure this is not the caliber of answer for which people would be looking. Obviously I need to save puppies/babies/senior citizens from a fire…all while having a broken leg. I guess I could refer to this very blog as some sort of great accomplishment but I used some curse words once and stuff…so no.
Once again, I am obviously lacking in solid answers for the heroes question. I am not sure anyone looking to hire me based on a answer of “ninjas and James Polk”. I mean, ninjas are frickin awesome and James Polk is only a hero because I feel he was way underrated as a President, but it’s not like I really look up to these people. Wouldn’t they want to hear some answer more like “My grandfather, who saved a bunch of puppies/babies/ and senior citizens from a fire and also invented the lightbulb and telephone…and the computer.” So, if you want to be my hero (Enrique Iglesias?...was your song for me) just start doing some sort of heroic stuff that I would find awesome then I can mention this hero…then again I have never really considered any sort of epic hero or anything like that. Oh well.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Yelling Makes Talking Fun!
While several grand ideas have passed through my mind this past week, such as “Commit a crime, go to prison, then you can lift weights and read books…you will be so strong and well read by the time you leave.” Then I remember all the butt sex and think that might be a bad idea, not to mention the criminal record. Additionally I have wondered about breaking into the world of infomercials. Ron Popeil is getting pretty old and someone new will need to spray fake hair on their head, show how to work a steamer or rotisserie machine, all the while excitedly slashing the price of what I was selling and throwing in a set knives (sorry no COD’S). But then I did a google search on how to become an infomercial dude, and nothing came up. Sad story but true. And it might be due in part to my somewhat faulty google searching technique. Not only that, but Paul was looking at all my past Google searches yesterday, and I have now realized I really search for some varying subjects.
Here are some of these totally wacky searches, and potentially I can provide some insight as to why I searched for these things…if I can’t provide that insight, maybe someone else can…like a highly trained psychologist.
“1993 Rockies Roster”
This seems simple enough, I for some reason wanted to know who was on the first Colorado Rockies team. I cannot remember all these things off the top of my head…I was in 4th grade at the time and all I could remember were Dante Bichette and Charlie Hayes being on that team…which is weird because I still cannot remember anyone else right now. Did they even have any pitchers?
“Animals that start with M”
This might go along with a later search I saw for “best scattergories answers”. What is very odd about this is the fact that this search was probably done while I was out in LA, and I can assure you I at no point played any Scattergories while out there. (I am not sure why I have to offer assurance as if I am claiming that I did not do meth while I was there). But, it is not a totally shabby idea to look for good Scattergories answers ahead of time…any advantage for victory helps.
“Get on a game show”
Simple, I want to get on a game show. Pretty much anyone…well Jeopardy would be ideal, but they seem to be frightened of the amount of money I could win, and are hoping I will go on a lesser game show, like any hosted by Chuck Woolery (still alive?)
“Liquor Stores by Barrington and San Vicente”
Ahhh yes, the era of my LA adventure when I did not have a car for a few weeks. I was probably being held at gunpoint by some alcohol fiend who wanted to know where to get liquor near my apartment…I was definitely not in need of such libations for myself, as drinking by yourself at home is wrong. Wrong like a fox.
“Superman Peeing”
Well, at my apartment in LA, I also had my own bathroom, and I was looking for a fine decorative piece to put up in the bathroom. I recall from my youth some friends of my parents who had an artistic rendition of Superman peeing very forcefully and breaking a toilet…I wanted one of those. I would like to think that people should be able to come into my living area when I am not there and get a general feel for who I am (save the situation right now with my mattress on the floor of a basement). A peeing Superman would do just that.
“Uses of the Semi Colon”
FRIDAY. NIGHT. FUN.
“Words like virus”
This was probably later on the same Friday night. Sad thing is, this might be true. And the even sadder thing is, I may have taken a trek to a liquor store before this (see aforementioned Google search) and this was all I was doing on a Friday evening. Who will ever know the truth?
On a more somber note, I would like everyone to Goulet their favorite rap song in honor of the recent passing of one of my personal favorites, Robert Goulet. Alright…so I really liked him because of Will Ferrells impersonation of him, but obviously without such a man actually existing, Will Ferrell is not acting like a gaudy caricature of him. (Once again, I am not so sure it was that over the top…Robert Goulet was a wild man). But anywho, be sure to Goulet some of your favorite rap, it’s what Robert would have wanted (No, what he really would have wanted is to be still alive I guess). As his SNL self said in his skit “Not by some dubious ruffian without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man.”
Here are some of these totally wacky searches, and potentially I can provide some insight as to why I searched for these things…if I can’t provide that insight, maybe someone else can…like a highly trained psychologist.
“1993 Rockies Roster”
This seems simple enough, I for some reason wanted to know who was on the first Colorado Rockies team. I cannot remember all these things off the top of my head…I was in 4th grade at the time and all I could remember were Dante Bichette and Charlie Hayes being on that team…which is weird because I still cannot remember anyone else right now. Did they even have any pitchers?
“Animals that start with M”
This might go along with a later search I saw for “best scattergories answers”. What is very odd about this is the fact that this search was probably done while I was out in LA, and I can assure you I at no point played any Scattergories while out there. (I am not sure why I have to offer assurance as if I am claiming that I did not do meth while I was there). But, it is not a totally shabby idea to look for good Scattergories answers ahead of time…any advantage for victory helps.
“Get on a game show”
Simple, I want to get on a game show. Pretty much anyone…well Jeopardy would be ideal, but they seem to be frightened of the amount of money I could win, and are hoping I will go on a lesser game show, like any hosted by Chuck Woolery (still alive?)
“Liquor Stores by Barrington and San Vicente”
Ahhh yes, the era of my LA adventure when I did not have a car for a few weeks. I was probably being held at gunpoint by some alcohol fiend who wanted to know where to get liquor near my apartment…I was definitely not in need of such libations for myself, as drinking by yourself at home is wrong. Wrong like a fox.
“Superman Peeing”
Well, at my apartment in LA, I also had my own bathroom, and I was looking for a fine decorative piece to put up in the bathroom. I recall from my youth some friends of my parents who had an artistic rendition of Superman peeing very forcefully and breaking a toilet…I wanted one of those. I would like to think that people should be able to come into my living area when I am not there and get a general feel for who I am (save the situation right now with my mattress on the floor of a basement). A peeing Superman would do just that.
“Uses of the Semi Colon”
FRIDAY. NIGHT. FUN.
“Words like virus”
This was probably later on the same Friday night. Sad thing is, this might be true. And the even sadder thing is, I may have taken a trek to a liquor store before this (see aforementioned Google search) and this was all I was doing on a Friday evening. Who will ever know the truth?
On a more somber note, I would like everyone to Goulet their favorite rap song in honor of the recent passing of one of my personal favorites, Robert Goulet. Alright…so I really liked him because of Will Ferrells impersonation of him, but obviously without such a man actually existing, Will Ferrell is not acting like a gaudy caricature of him. (Once again, I am not so sure it was that over the top…Robert Goulet was a wild man). But anywho, be sure to Goulet some of your favorite rap, it’s what Robert would have wanted (No, what he really would have wanted is to be still alive I guess). As his SNL self said in his skit “Not by some dubious ruffian without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man.”
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