Monday, April 30, 2007

Globetrotting Family Time

After past bouts in the recent years of going extended periods without seeing any members of my immediate family, recently there has been a spike in the amount of times I see all sorts of members of my family, and in all sorts of different locales. Let me explain.

My sister Kay, is the one I see the most, mainly due to the fact that she goes to my alma mater one suburb away.

Then for Easter my whole family was in town, including my sister Eileen, in from New York.

This past weekend, I went to visit Eileen in NY, so past streaks of nearly 8 months without seeing her, had now been reduced to mere weeks.

My Dad is coming to pick up Kay from school and bring her home for the summer on Tuesday.

Then, this weekend we will all reconvene in Louisville for the Derby.

So, this past weekend in NY, it was so weird to bid farewell to my sister and throw out a casual, "See you next week". But it is cool.

So, New York. Originally I was supposed to leave on Thursday afternoon. This flight got cancelled due to weather, (who can really blame the airline for that?) and I was rescheduled for a 9:25 flight the next morning. So logically I went out and got really sloppy on Thursday night- after all- I was on "vacation". (So does that mean every weekend I am on vacation? Or do I have to take a Friday off? Does that mean if I take a Friday off, I am on vacation and can do exorbitant activities? Because this weekend I got a lot of "Oh come on, you're on vacation, live in excess. Eat these 15 pounds of steak and drink entire cases of beer in one sitting, etc.")

I arrived at the airport at 7:45 the next morning only to see that my flight had already been delayed until 11. No big deal, or so I thought. I went and grabbed a fine chair by the gate and tried to get comfy, but due to the sandpaper/cat tongue quality of my mouth, I had to go fetch some water. It was at this point, my first monetary transaction since the night prior, and the first point when I had to be dismayed by the fact that I had apparently removed my debit and credit card from my wallet. I know you are thinking right now, "Tim, you are a first class retard, how could you do such a thing?" or "Tim, you classless son of a bitch." or "I wonder what the special is at Panda Express today?"

Well, I do this from time to time. The three items that potentially will not be in my wallet are all those that I might just stick in my pocket, and therefore leave laying about, or in said pocket are of critical importance: debit card, credit card, identification. Of all weekends to lose purchasing power, this was not the one. Luckily, for some odd reason, as I never have paper money, I had around $90 on me. I knew this was not enough for a rip roaring fun weekend, but at the very least I was not to be completely destitute. (and luckily I was going to see my sister, who was very kind in not once calling me "classless", a "retard" or some other vicious combo of words when she was pulling out money to pay for me. Little does she know, or I guess she knows completely, I will be seeing her this upcoming weekend, and hopefully making her go someplace where I will buy her an excess of something, determined by our location. A bar: too much to drink; a restaurant: a gluttonous amount of food; a toy store: a bunch of jigsaw puzzles; an orphan black market: like three of those Korean babies and a little Russian one....you get the idea)

So, several hours later and nearly every time passing tactic employed (reading Hemingway, phone conversations, acerbic mental diatribes at airport employees, annoying texts to friends, sleeping uncomfortably, telling those around me I was alright if they needed to eat me to survive, etc.) we finally left the ground in Chicago at around 3:30. Effin A. So, I lost basically a whole day in NY, which stunk.

Here is a summary of the trip:

-Subway
-Shower
-Dinner with my sister and her friends
-Bar (mocked for being "not party animal" when tired)
-Sleep
-Shower
-Lunch
-Brewery tour (mocked brewery for being "not party animal"...seriously, no free samples were offered)
-Grindhouse (two zombied thumbs up)
-Walk
-Dinner at my aunt's
-Red Hook with sister and cousin Kosiya (this was the most frightening and exciting seeming place to go since they both kept saying that it was "lawless". Unfortunately Eileen's fave bar, a bar festooned with taxidermied animals, was oddly packed with people and therefore she was "visibly shaken" about it not being a typical time at this bar)
-Different bar (mocked for being "not party animal" when tired)
-Sleep
-Brunch
-Home

It was a very quick trip, but still a semi relaxing weekend and a very fun time. It was great to hang out with family members and to talk about all sorts of weird and funny stories. And I am sure next weekend will provide more of the same. Craziness.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity

Some complaints from last week from me and others:

-That last week's blog was too long. I forgot we live in a world of instant gratification. Next time my musings are that long, I will offer a summary at the beginning, something like:

*Slur
*Not funny pun
*Slur
*Attempt at wit
*Mocking of the deceased
*Slur
*FIN

-After reading my writings, Brian now thinks I want him to break my rib. I said "ribs or something". Just make me give up by choking me to death or something.

-Another complaint I got: "Tim, you use too many inappropriate punctuation marks." Sorry, Grammar Guru, I don't care. I just type it out and then post it. No complex revision processes or expensive editors employed in these parts. I don't even use that spell check mofo.

I recently came across a piece of paper where I had written down another SNL character idea. His name initially, was "Extrapolation Man", but due to the audience of SNL these days (people who got drunk to early in the day and have awakened to watch SNL, stoners, and Logan) a better name might be "Gross Overexaggeration Man". Anywho, the principle idea of this character is that he extrapolates things way too far. Along me to illustrate:

1)He could be on an airplane. Sensing the ever increasing altitude during takeoff, our hero attempts to calm everyone down from their impending doom because he thinks, based on very little data, that the plane will go up forever and is not equipped for space travel.

2) He could see his wife baking a loaf of bread and while she is letting it rise, he could see how much the bread had risen inonly 20 short minutes and attempt to evacuate the city since he believes it will soon be decimated by this bread.

3)He could see some really large young kid and think that by the time the kid is 30 he will be 38 feet tall and weigh 650 pounds and try and have him put to sleep.

Really, in any situation where something is a factor of time, this guy could make gross overassumptions of the situation. Try to make some up, it is actually slightly amusing.

So, tax season is over yet again. And in one of the more bizarre work circumstances of my life, I was sent home from work on Monday. Yes, almost like a third grader is sent home. I came into work on Monday despite not feeling very well (I had felt badly all weekend, and my Mom will be proud to read I made the wise decision to still go out and have fun on Saturday night. It's what she would have done), figuring that I could rough it out on such a big day for the others at work. However, my coughing was evidently too much and at 10:30, I had the following conversation:

D: "Tim, do you have anything pressing you are working on right now?"
Tim: "No, what is it that you need me to do?" (trying to be helpful)
D:"I need you to get out of here. Go home, now."
Tim: "Ummm...ok? Can do."

Then on Tuesday, when I called in the morning, I was asked if I was still coughing, which I was, and was again commanded to not show my face. Even today I have coughed a few times, although trying to keep it more quiet, and the same boss told me "maybe you should seek medical attention." No, I think I am just a tad congested now, but thanks.

KONICHIWA BITCHES

Thursday, April 12, 2007

"Unless they just like....scissor or something"

Happy April 12th to all. Actually, while not unhappy, April 12th leaves a whole lot to be desired. Here are my problems with it:

1)It is a Thursday. A Thursday at work in which I have nothing to do. I am thinking of making up some fake phone interview I have to do at home, you know, for the land line. When really I would go eat Combos and play video games for a couple hours.

2)Now playing the role of weather in Chicago, it is my distinct pleasure to give you.....CARRIE! 70's one week, snow yesterday! HOORAY!

3)While April 12 th is nearing that all important tax day of April 15th, I still have one Saturday morning that I have the distinct privilege of coming to work. (all this after my boss gave me the infamous "bagel and e-mail check speech" over a year ago. Evidently, for team solidarity ((what are we communists?)), even if I have no work, because others ARE busy, I need to come in, eat a bagel, and check my e-mail. Sounds easy? Well, I still have to wake up in the morning, which means no drinking 3,500 beers and eating Good n' Plenty at 4:30 in the morning while watching infomercials) I will be glad when that crap is done.

4)Google is celebrating April 12th with an alteration of their Google logo to commemerate a Russki going into space on this dat ein 1961 (Yuri Gagarin). Fuck you Google. Alter your logo to celebrate Chuck Norris being alive that day instead (by covering it in whiskey, hot sauce, and blood while being scissor kicked).

On Saturday, May 26, 2007, Brian Munoz and I will for some odd reason be having a UFC fight in my backyard. I think I may have suggested this at some point and thought Brian was serious in his agreement, which he soon came to be. So, this will actually happen on that date. I think. There have been some dreams lately which worry me, what with the impending fight and all, as well as my propensity for hospital visits year after year.

In one recurring dream, I have a deep cut through my right eyebrow. This dream I have had no less then 8 times. Just the way I like my subconscious mind to work before I battle my friend.

In another dream that has popped up a couple times, I have a Looney Tune-esque bruise on my forehead. It looks as if an Acme anvil has been dropped on my face, and a giant lump, or as some might call it, a "horn" has formed in its place.

So Brian, watch the face. It's my moneymaker. Break some ribs or something.

Another issue with this fight is that I am more about my image as a fighter then actually having any clue as to how to pummel someone into some sort of submission. But, my created image is pretty fuckin sweet.

Here is a brief summary of me, as a UFC fighter:

Name: Tim "The Walking Myth" Radway

Pre-Fight Prep: Instead of punching someone's hands in a room pre-fight, my training room will be filled with smoke.

Entrance Song: "Bring Your Whole Crew" by DMX (quick lyric sample: "I got blood on my hands and there's no remorse I got blood on my dick cuz I fucked a corpse I'm a nasty nigga when u pass me nigga look me in my eyes Tell me to my fuckin face that u ready to die ") a simply frightening song. I only hope I can refrain from smiling pre-fight.

I will also bring a body bag with me to the ring. That's pretty much all I've got. Assuming one of these can somehow be acquired by a member of the general public.

In this spot previously I have used my special ability to degrade things, as well as watch TV, to tear apart several advertisements that I thought were really stupid and not worthy of viewing. Well, advertising world, stop shaking in your proverbial boots (I always wanted to say proverbial boots....they aren't really proverbial at all), I will now kindly laud a couple of the spots I have seen recently, and really enjoy.

1) Geico Caveman Ads: Brilliant....I really enjoy these ads and have been trying to convince people ever since their inception that we need to dress up as these Cavemen for Halloween, or some other occasion, like a Tuesday night out on the town. (Sorry Geico, I switched away from your insurance.)

2) Hot Pockets Chinese Man Ads: I have only seen a couple of these, but the one that really sticks with me, I will now describe with the writing skills of a 7 year old: A teenage boy and a girl are on a couch in a basement "making out" (not star wars making out ((my sister Nora described this as "Hands going boldly where no hands have gone before))) when suddenly this Asian dude (an old Asian dude with a sweet ass Fu Manchu) pops up from behind the couch and says "You not hungry for girl, you hungry for Hot Pocket". Cut to boy on couch, he is now eating a hot pocket, while the girl sits disgustedly, thinking of becoming a lesbian.

Creepy Story from Sports World About Athlete I Used to Hold in High Regard (and still do pretty much, but after the story I have to act like I hold him in less high regard, even though I don't):

I will not include the entire article, just the creepy excerpt from it. May I also note that the passage was mentioned in such a blase fashion, as if it was not totally weird.

"Maddux? For a guy with a CPA's demeanor, he has a sense of humor that a 12-year-old would envy. Maddux is a master of strategically timed nose picking, sidling up to an unsuspecting rookie in the shower and urinating on the kid's leg, and inventing just the right nickname for a teammate with big ears, a prominent schnozz or some other pronounced physical qualities. "

Yes, Greg Maddux pees on people, evidently as some sort of hazing to the youngsters. He also might have a desire to get punched. Greg Maddux or no, I do not want anyone peeing on my leg.

Someone has recently been leaving comments on my blog. First of all, thank you. I love reading comments and actual feedback about what I have written, rather then just imagining my own feedback. But, allow me to post the most recent comment:

"I hope you keep this blog when you get famous. It is the highlight of my week if that tells you anything! Keep on being awesome and inform us of the jewish religion so we can use that to get out of work! "

Several comments from me:
-I hope I keep this blog when I get famous too. That would be sweet of me, like an old grandmother who still makes cookies for her grandkids even though she is a certain "Mrs.Field".

-I am so glad I could be the highlight of someone's week. The highlight of my week is usually when I keep myself upright after a near slip and fall. Well, I guess that is more like "18 highlights", but who's counting?

-Alright, as far as informing you of the Jewish religion....how do I say this....I'm not really what you would consider Jewish, more of a "raised Roman Catholic agnostic person". Any information I give to you so that you might get off work, based on Judaism, will have to be found on Wikipedia or invented in my head. So, here's this one...ummm...say next Thursday is the Jewish holiday celebrating...ummm....the dinosaurs. And you have to fast or something.

But in all reality, all comments are inappropriately loved, to the point of restraining order.

My friend Melissa has recently started doing the "Atkins Diet" in an effort to drive herself crazy and protest against bread or something. I have always thought the Atkins diet was one of the more ridiculous ones out there, and logically I have my reasons:

1)I love bread. I once had a civil ceremony wedding myself to a warm whole wheat loaf. I got a big insurance policy on it, and subsequently ate it. The fraud charges are still being litigated.

2)Even a majority of fruits and vegetables, due to their crab content, are eliminated in this diet. That makes a whole lot of sense. Instead of these on the side, you can eat chicken with a side of steak, or steak with a side of chicken. Either way, si delicioso!

3) I know there are lots of unnecessary carbs out there, like when I eat a giant pixie stick for dinner, but carbs are also the building block of energy. So, aren't you always going to be tired?

4)With all the extra protein in the diet, women usually end up with bigger arms then me. I do not like that.

5) It is far too easy to taunt someone on this diet by doing things like stopping by their desk at work chewing on a crusty French baguette, ever so casually.

6)Dr.Atkins was actually a cartoonist his entire life before a legal battle against the Wonderbread company (he thought their logo was infringing on a character he had drawn) made him stop eating bread, and he then lost a lot of weight. What he fails to mention is that he became a double amputee at the time (an iguana farm accident) and well, legs weigh a lot....

I feel like I have been a tad verbose. Oh well. Read and enjoy. And leave some comments. Really. I need feedback or else I can keep writing things that offend you (unknowingly). I'd much rather KNOW I was writing offensive things.






Monday, April 02, 2007

"What's your name?" "TIM! WOOOO!"

Before I lose you to boredom or mental fatigue, and before I begin a profanity laced, comedic tirade on the current affairs of my life, I wish to respond to a question I have been hearing more and more often as I tell people about my plans for the near future:

"Aren't you afraid you are going to fail?"

To this I say: If I continue my current life trajectory, am I not failing right now? Am I best utilizing the qualities and skills that I possess currently? No. Not even close. I am much more frightened (of cats sucking ou tmy breath while I sleep, scary movies, being trapped in a vat of maple syrup or some other equally viscous substance, being 85 and smelling of cat feces...etc.) of staying where I am and looking back at my life in 10-20 years and saying, "Ummm....what the hell have I been doing?" I am therefore looking at the future as being full of great opportunities...after all, as "they" (the liberal media) say about life, "no one makes it out alive." And another thing about this whole "failure" issue, I am a cocky bastard, so no, I really do not see this whole idea of not achieving some level of success as a possibility.

Alright. Bitchasses. I believe at certain times of hunger and lament, I would probably maim or murder for some Q-Doba chicken nachos....like, not right now, since I just ate lunch recently, but maybe later. Because they are the epitome of all things good in this world. Although it might be far wiser to pay $6 for them. The jury is still out on this one.

I have recently been reading another Dan Brown novel, Deception Point. He is one of the most overhyped authors around. People mistake his books for being good and well written when all it really seems to be is excitement and hype thinly veiled in mystery. Do most great novels include 100+ chapters? And even if they did, do corny hook lines need to be used to get you hyped up to continue reading? (But little did she know, it would be her last breath of air for the time being) It's literary crack is all. (Of course I have been trying to read it really quickly...crack is addictive, even the literary variety). I could write 650 one sentence blogs in a week and string you along through each one with lines of captivation....but after the rocket landed, few knew if life would ever be the same.

Last weekend a few of us men were sitting around on a lazy Saturday evening and began watching the film Coyote Ugly, but as this did not seem near manly enough for us, I thought we should imagine every character in the film being played by either Chuck Norris (He is this manly: "Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.") or by Patrick Swayze, but only the Patrick Swayze from the film Roadhouse. Once imagining this film, it turned into a classic. The two best scenes were:

A love scene (which with these two characters was actually them playing bloody knuckles and high fiving intermittently) where a cardboard cutout of Patrick Swayze was visibile (this director brilliantly using pop culture references, natch).

A scene where they were attending a wedding, and Patrick Swayze was on Chuck Norris' shoulders on the dance floor.

Is it an odd or inappropriate response to someone when they ask about future plans for an evening or weekend to say," Ummm....probably just be awesome." I don't think it is. That is why I say it a lot.

As the spring weather mushes along and tries to be consistenly warmer, the men of the world receive a new gift: women once again caring for their legs and wearing skirts in public. I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but after months and months of everyone of both sexes wearing jeans, it is nice to see women once again using their womanly legs to attract men. Sure, even us men with nice (chicken) legs can start wearing shorts, but, and while I am not 100% sure of this, women are not sitting around excited to see men's legs once again.

Well, I must get back to work, and by back to work I mean following the last two innings of this Cubs game that by some odd circumstances they will win, thus keeping my 162 win prediction for the regular season intact. Please leave some feedback, comments, or your favorite curse word. All is appreciated.